Bullets
by JasmineRey
Summary: 'And it feels like a gun has been fired, even though I know it hasn't. But Pa's never needed a gun to attack.'


**Bullets**

"I think of you as my son," Pa says to Todd, his rifle pressed to Viola's back. "I really do."

And I don't feel angry. Or hurt.

I turn to Todd, an eager, hopeful energy rising in my Noise. "C'mon, Todd," I say, "you hear that?" I reach out to him in my Noise.

 _ **Please, Todd, put down the gun.**_

 _ **Just put it down.**_

 _ **You can make everything alright.**_

 _ **You can make all of this stop.**_

 _ **Please, Todd.**_

"We could be brothers."

And then I show him something I never thought I'd show anyone, because it's sort of pathetic.

We live in a nice house. Nothing too fancy, but comfortable and big enough for all of us. When there's no work to be done, we go out riding or walking together. We laugh and have fun and sometimes tease each other, but not in a mean way. And every evening, we sit together at the table for dinner, and we're all happy. Viola's happy, because she knows how sorry I am for hurting her and she's forgiven me, and now we're friends. And Todd's happy, because Viola's happy, and he loves that girl like she's his whole world. And Pa's happy, because he finally has the son he's always wanted. And even though that son isn't me, I'm still happy, because I've got a brother. I've got a sister. I've got a family.

Just the thought of it makes me smile. My Noise is bursting with joy and I'm hoping Todd can feel it too.

But he just looks at me, and his Noise is heavy with regret.

 _ **Forgive me**_ , I hear in his Noise, and he points the rifle at me.

I frown.

It's not supposed to be like this.

"Todd?" I ask, confused, but his Noise is burning red hot with anger directed at my Pa.

But his gun is pointed at me.

My only friend is pointing a gun at me.

I don't understand.

"Todd?"

He looks at me briefly, straight in the eyes, before quickly looking away. He does look sorry. He really does.

But it's still Todd.

It's still my only friend.

Holding a gun on me.

I don't really know what to think. I don't really feel anything at all. There's just an emptiness, like something (someone) I'd grown used to, something (someone) I'd sort of grown to care about, something (someone) I wanted to keep in my life, suddenly disappeared.

"I gave you yer book back," I say to him, to Todd. "I gave you yer book back.

And he knows. He knows and I know. He doesn't want to shoot me. He just wants Viola to be okay. He says he'll shoot me, but he won't. He probably couldn't shoot me even if he wanted to. Todd doesn't kill. He just doesn't. And Pa wouldn't let him do it anyway, right? I'm his son. Not the son he really wants, but I'm still his son.

Todd's Noise still boils red with rage, but there's anger at himself in there too. And he's waiting impatiently for my Pa to say the words, to give in. He's waiting and shouting and I'm waiting and hoping and then Pa speaks.

"Go ahead then," he says.

 _ **Pa?**_

"Shoot him."

"Pa?"

I look at my Pa, but he doesn't look at me. He keeps looking at Todd.

"Never much use as a son anyway," he says.

 _ **Never much use as a son anyway.**_

 _ **Never much use as a son anyway.**_

"Why do you think I sent him to the front line?" he continues, and he's almost smiling. Almost laughing. "I was at least hoping he'd die a hero's death."

And it feels like a gun has been fired, even though I know it hasn't. But Pa's never needed a gun to attack, has he? He uses his Noise and his words. But this isn't like his Noise attacks, which you feel in your head, ripping at your brain, shaking your thoughts violently until nothing makes sense and all that's left in your head is whatever the hell he put there. No, this attack feels different. It hits me different.

"Never mastered his Noise."

In my head.

"Never followed an order he couldn't get out of."

In my stomach.

"Couldn't capture you. Couldn't take care of Viola. Only ever showed improvement because of your influence, Todd."

In my chest. Right through my heart.

At first, it's like I'm bleeding out. Like the blood is just pouring straight out of me until there's a complete emptiness in my head, in stomach, in my chest.

 _ **Pa?**_

 _ **Pa?**_

"Pa?"

Then, it burns. Like my blood has been replaced with fire and it's slowly burning me alive. My Noise burns too, hotter, redder, and angrier that Todd's ever did.

And it hurts.

But that's not the end of it.

Because the bullets don't stop.

"You're the son I want, Todd," he says. "Always you. Never this waste of space."

 _ **Never this waste of space.**_

 _ **This waste of space.**_

 _ **This waste of space.**_

 _ **Waste of space.**_

 _ **Waste of space.**_

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE.**_

It's so loud. So, so loud. It echoes loud, painfully loud, until it's all I can hear.

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE.**_

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE.**_

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE**_.

"Pa?"

Then Todd cocks his gun.

Because he would kill.

For Viola.

He would kill me for Viola.

Because he cares about her more. Of course he does. Why wouldn't he?

I'm not his only friend.

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE.**_

Just like I'm not Pa's only son.

 _ **WASTE OF SPACE.**_

I look at Todd, my eyes all wet and blurry and burning with tears and anger.

"Don't, Todd," I beg. "Don't do it."

Pa's looking twixt me and Todd.

"Just put the gun down," Todd growls at him. "This is over."

Pa takes a long breath and lets it out.

"Very well, Todd," he says calmly. "As you wish."

He steps away from Viola and I breathe a sigh of relief. It's over. It's all over. I look at my Pa.

But his gun is pointed at me.

My Pa is pointing a gun at me.

I don't understand.

And I don't have time to understand, because he fires it.

He fires it at me.

I fall to my knees in the dusty rumble covering the floor.

"Pa?" I ask again, in confusion, in pain. I cough and immediately taste blood in mouth. I try to take a breath, but I'm drowning. I cough and choke on more blood. And I can't take my eyes off of him, off of Pa. I reach for him, I call to him, but he won't take his eyes off of Todd.

"You were always the truer son, Todd. The one with the potential, the one with the power, the one I'd be proud to have serve by my side."

 _ **Pa?**_

 _ **Pa?**_

 _ **Why?**_

 _ **Why?**_

 _ **Please.**_

 _ **I'm yer son.**_

 _ **Please.**_

 _ **Why?**_

I look at Todd.

 _ **Todd?**_

And he looks at me.

 _ **Todd?**_

 _ **Todd?**_

 _ **I'm sorry.**_

 _ **I'm sorry.**_

I show him Ben. I show him Ben racing towards me. I show him my horse rearing. I show him me firing my gun as I fall. And the bullet hitting Ben's chest. And Ben staggering into the bushes. Me, too scared to go after him. Me, too scared to tell Todd the truth. Me, not wanting to lose my only friend.

 _ **I didn't mean it.**_

 _ **I'm sorry**_.

I show him I'm sorry for Prentisstown, for Viola, for Ben, for every failure and every wrong, for letting my Pa down. For everything. And I beg for forgiveness. I beg and beg, as it becomes harder to breathe, and my Noise begins to fade, and the whole world starts to feel a bit colder and dimmer.

 _ **Todd?**_

 _ **Please?**_


End file.
